Always something..

I have recently been trying to 'figure out my life'. It's like in Shaun of the Dead when he scrawled in big red letter on his fridge 'sort life out'.

In order to figure it out, I felt that there were also some things I needed to change within myself. Essentially, I needed an attitude adjustment. The last 3-4 hours prior to this writing were spent trying to implement that adjustment, with limited success. (But hey, the point is to keep at it, right?)

A lot of what I read and researched strongly suggested focusing on achievements, not just past, but also for the future - going into your endeavors with a winning attitude. Makes sense, I suppose. And if you fail, then hey, it's not the end of the world. Learn from your mistake.

What if you are working on something you feel very strongly is not going to go well? Yet you work on it anyway, for whatever reason. There is nothing to build on from that, no lessons really to learn except that maybe you shouldn't have taken it on in the first place.

I suppose I can only keep hoping that it will go alright, and still put in my effort, which is admittedly a tad affected by these misgivings, but now that I know that I should not let that stop me. As for mistakes that should be learnt from this, well, I feel most of them weren't mine to begin with. I can only do so much with what I am given.

A false start

So I've declared myself 'independent'.

Lately, I've been really focused on moving out of my parents' house this summer. Due to circumstances outside of my control, that no longer seems likely. The whole point was so that I would finally free myself up to pursue my own goals.

I have lost myself to helping in the goals and endeavors of others. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it came to a point where I didn't even feel in control of my own direction. Thus, in claiming my independence, I also reclaim my existence. I am the master of my domain.

However, today was mostly spent slacking off. I attempted in vain to tackle all facets my life at once, and as a result have made no progress. Tomorrow should serve to be more productive.

I have this opportunity now, and no more excuses to hide behind. I have never been the most positive thinker, but if I am to succeed I must change this attitude and start believing in myself (allow me, though, to beat myself up for using that abhorrent cliche).

This is one of those facets I would like to maintain. Writing is important to me - I have always found myself to me more expressive and open when I write. Coincidentally, language has also become very important to me. I value articulation and clarity in communication, and I am afforded a better use for language when writing, especially since I have never felt very comfortable when speaking.

There was a brief moment today when I almost convinced myself of my own omnipotence. You will forgive the apparent egomania, but it is necessary in boosting my self-esteem. But why not? I have proven before what I am capable of. Why should I not feel confident?

Throughout my long-shortish life I've always felt like my own support group. I never really had anyone I could turn to to open myself up to until recently. I have her picture now on my phone, perhaps the sappiest move I have ever made, but she means a lot to me. Just looking at the picture inspired me to write a short letter stemming from this simple statement:

'Dear Jackie - You make me smile.'

Tomorrow approaches. It is the true beginning of this excursion into true living, or what I hope to deem 'true living.' I've dawdled long enough, and can no longer afford to wait simply because I am afraid of failing or disappointing those around me. I've a lot of work to do, best get it done.

I'm gettin tired, yo

very tired. of feeling tired. of feeling like i don't have a lot going on. of not having any ambition or vision for my life, only these fickle fantasies. of feeling slow. of slacking. of not being focused. of having little to no discipline. of having little to no confidence. of feeling out of loop and out of touch with my friends. of so many things that and of dwelling on them. god, i'm turning emo.

there are so many things i want to do and be, and i have to realize that it's gonna take work. it's gonna take what i've been lacking, i've been letting myself lose sight of that for stupid shit that shouldn't even be mattering.

this is the umpteenth time i've told myself i'm going to make a change. i'm realizing little by little what it takes to make this life, even a nihilistic life, work.

this is also one of my least favorite writings by far. no style, no flow, nothing clever or witty or intelligent about it at all. but once in awhile it feels necessary to have to get on my own case and tell myself that i need to make a change. moving on...