A false start

So I've declared myself 'independent'.

Lately, I've been really focused on moving out of my parents' house this summer. Due to circumstances outside of my control, that no longer seems likely. The whole point was so that I would finally free myself up to pursue my own goals.

I have lost myself to helping in the goals and endeavors of others. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it came to a point where I didn't even feel in control of my own direction. Thus, in claiming my independence, I also reclaim my existence. I am the master of my domain.

However, today was mostly spent slacking off. I attempted in vain to tackle all facets my life at once, and as a result have made no progress. Tomorrow should serve to be more productive.

I have this opportunity now, and no more excuses to hide behind. I have never been the most positive thinker, but if I am to succeed I must change this attitude and start believing in myself (allow me, though, to beat myself up for using that abhorrent cliche).

This is one of those facets I would like to maintain. Writing is important to me - I have always found myself to me more expressive and open when I write. Coincidentally, language has also become very important to me. I value articulation and clarity in communication, and I am afforded a better use for language when writing, especially since I have never felt very comfortable when speaking.

There was a brief moment today when I almost convinced myself of my own omnipotence. You will forgive the apparent egomania, but it is necessary in boosting my self-esteem. But why not? I have proven before what I am capable of. Why should I not feel confident?

Throughout my long-shortish life I've always felt like my own support group. I never really had anyone I could turn to to open myself up to until recently. I have her picture now on my phone, perhaps the sappiest move I have ever made, but she means a lot to me. Just looking at the picture inspired me to write a short letter stemming from this simple statement:

'Dear Jackie - You make me smile.'

Tomorrow approaches. It is the true beginning of this excursion into true living, or what I hope to deem 'true living.' I've dawdled long enough, and can no longer afford to wait simply because I am afraid of failing or disappointing those around me. I've a lot of work to do, best get it done.